I had seen my biopsy results almost 2 weeks ago, and the scheduled phone appointment with my oncologist had arrived.
In the time I had viewed the benign report online, I had felt a sense of relief. I hadn’t given it much thought beyond that since I had my hands full with other things. The possibility of having Sjogren’s, the appointments and testing required for that, the unexpected diagnosis of ocular rosacea, and the appointments needed for that.
While I was at the optometrist’s office, awaiting what I thought would merely be some clarity about whether or not I had Sjogren’s, my phone rang. If you know me, you know my ringer is always on silent. The “hardest person to get ahold of”, according to my husband, I would literally toss it in the lake if it ever made a sound. I watched it ring, my doctor’s office, and go to voicemail.
I read the transcript. She was ordering a neck ultrasound. She didn’t say why. Minutes later the ultrasound clinic called to book an appointment. I watched them call. ‘Not today, Satan’, I thought. I was not booking anything without knowing why. She lags behind sometimes. Calls with test results we’ve already discussed. I called her office back and asked for clarity. They told me she would call me back.
“Do you remember the ultrasound you did back in October? The one for your face?”
“Yes, the one checking my blocked saliva gland for Sjogren’s.”
“Yes, that one. You had an enlarged lymph node. I wanted to revisit that in 3 months to see if it was something viral, or something abnormal.”
It was one of those moments. Not a coincidence. In fact, the ultrasound tech that day had gone above and beyond. When he found out I was there to investigate Sjogren’s he said the requisition request was inadequate.
“If we are testing for Sjogren’s, we can’t just check your right cheek, where the blocked gland is. We need to check your glands and both sides of your neck.”
He is the only reason this was found. The question was why.
So I guess today is the day, Satan. I have to have a follow up ultrasound. I had told myself this was the year I would have more time to do the things I felt passionate about. I am not at all passionate about having cold gel put on me.
Fast forward to the oncologist. The thing I felt really good about.
“Hi Amanda. So we reviewed your biopsy report and deemed the nodule benign. Now, that is a 95% certainty. There is a 5% risk that it is cancer. The only way to know for sure would be surgery to remove it. Some people want to know 100%.”
“Okay. Can you tell me about the discrepancy with the ultrasound. It was showing a level 4 out of 5 risk of cancer.”
“Yes. That is subjective. If you put 100 radiologists in a room, some would have differing opinions. I trust the ones here because they are highly skilled. We will lead with the biopsy findings, but you need to be monitored. I want you back out here for an ultrasound in 9 months.”
I felt my comfort levels sliding. I didn’t feel the answer to the ultrasound question was adequate. I know one of my lessons was to face uncertainty without fear, but I felt it creeping in.
“If it grows, will I need another biopsy?”
“Not if it grows. If the risk goes up to level 5, yes, you will need another biopsy. We will have you come out here twice. If nothing changes, we refer you back to your endocrinologist for monitoring of that, and your secondary nodule.”
I looked back on the lessons I am supposed to be learning from this. Focus on facts, without fear and speculation. Learn how to face uncertainty without fear, and to not let anxiety build in situations that lack control. I could control this situation by opting to have surgery, but right now, I know I would only be doing that out of fear.
The appointment notification popped up. November 12th, 2026. Exactly a year after the first one. Another belated birthday gift, a day after my birthday, to look forward to.
So I wasn’t done with PMH yet. At least they use warm gel there 😂
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