It was my daughter’s 12th birthday when I got the call. My physician had my results in her hand and was going to go through them with me the best she could. She emphasized that this was not her area of expertise, and ultimately my endocrinologist would provide the most clarity for me.
She started reading, and I found myself scanning her words.
“Abnormal cells…atypical appearance…irregular nuclei…crowded cells…sample was good…no signs of cancer.”
There. There it was. What I was waiting for.
“So it’s benign then?” I felt the rush of relief wash over me.
“No. It doesn’t say that anywhere.”
Buzzing started in my ears.
“I don’t understand. It says there are no signs of cancer.”
“Yes, but it also doesn’t clearly say benign anywhere. It says the pathology is undetermined.”
Good sample, pathology undetermined. The cells don’t look normal.
“So it’s not cancer, but it’s not-not cancer?”
She laughed a little.
“I guess you could say that. You will have to wait and see what your endocrinologist says.”
I felt myself travelling back to 13 years prior, the worst time of my life. I had miscarried 6 weeks before my Mother died, 4 days after my oldest daughter turned 2. It muddled her birthdays from then on. A dark cloud overhead.
I found myself feeling the same way now. Distracted. Putting on a happy front so I could celebrate with my child. Feeling the chill at the idea that now it could be my mortality staring back at me.
I called my husband as my heart pounded in my ears.
“Why couldn’t it have been benign? What does this even mean?”
I had been manifesting the word. Wasn’t that shit supposed to work? Had I not believed it hard enough?
I was crying. My gut was telling me that having a good sample that came back with undefined pathology, meant I was leaning towards something precancerous.
“Don’t worry. We need more information. Don’t get yourself upset.”
On the other side of my door was a girl who was excited about her birthday plans. It was going to be a long day.
Waiting 6 more days for more information was going to feel like a lifetime.
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