I felt like M had planted a seed. In those weeks I spent waiting for my results, I found myself trying to meditate, and searching for a reiki provider.
I relied on good old Facebook for something useful, for once. I posted in a local Moms group asking for reiki recommendations. My knowledge of reiki had been limited. I knew a few practitioners, I knew it was as about energy work, but that was about it. My mother had been given a recommendation to try it when she was diagnosed with cancer, but she got nothing from her treatment.
Several recommendations came through, and I ended up choosing one, and booking an appointment for the beginning of August.
In the meantime, I had decided to try meditation. I had a slew of holistic things on my list to narrow down. I had decided that if I might be sick, it was time to focus more on my emotional and mental wellbeing. I had been focused on physical health for so long, and had simply lost sight of anything else.
I put a pillow under my knees, laid down on my bed, and placed my lapis lazuli in the hollow of my throat. Closed my eyes, and focused on my breath, as the intrusive thoughts rolled in.
‘Should I be breathing deeply, or normally?’
‘Bob is sniffing at the door’
‘Focus on your results being benign. Almost everyone you’ve talked to had benign results, but someone makes up that 3-5%’
‘I don’t feel like making dinner’
‘I wonder if Trump has said anything stupid today. Of course he has, that is a guarantee’
Thoughts pinging off of each other like a ball in a pinball machine, all set to a singular track.
“It’s been one week since you looked at me Cocked your head to the side and said “I’m angry”
Hmmm hmmm hmmm
But it will still be two days till I say “I’m sorry””
I couldn’t remember all the words, and yet that Barenaked Ladies song played like a broken record. I opened my eyes and decided to end the session.
This wasn’t the first time my brain had betrayed me. I describe it as an obsolete desk top computer. 400 open tabs, likely a few viruses. The kind of computer you have to hold the off button down hard on, and force a manual shut off. When you turn it on the next day, you get a warning message letting you know it was shut down improperly. The added bonus is the midnight DJ with some very interesting song choices.
I’m a 40 something woman with anxiety, depression, and likely undiagnosed ADHD. Overly analytical with a side of intrusive thoughts to round out the madness. My brain is never silent. Not even for a moment. Why would I expect something different now?
As I walked out of my room, I spoke to my husband.
“Well that was awful.”
“What happened?”
“I tried meditating and a song wouldn’t stop playing in my head.”
“What was the song? Maybe it had lyrical significance.”
“Man, it was a Barenaked Ladies song. None of their songs have any lyrical significance.”
A few days later I decided to try again. Got myself comfortable and tried to concentrate on my breath.
“It’s been one week since you looked at me…”
“Don’t you dare!”
My brain was mocking me. Thinking about how I couldn’t get that song out of head before, prompted it to start up again. I decided to take a hiatus and see if I could find a solution. I had a determination to make it work, but I also believed I wouldn’t be able to do it.
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